January '08 Entertainment—Kid Cary Column

I did it all on my own, I just paid my hard-earned money to see Lisa Lampanelli at the House of Blues, and I’m more than Blue, I’m miserable. In fact, if it were a crime to charge $50 to see an un-funny comedian, Lampanelli should be in Guantanamo with no chance of getting out.

For 60 years Las Vegas has always given visitors the best entertainment found anywhere in the world, and it still does. But the “pool” of top entertainers has dropped like the water in Lake Mead. As each day passes, it’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to spend my own money for what passes today as skilled entertainment. I usually don’t go out anymore unless “The Boss asks me” and she picks up the tab.

Las Vegas has always been a few steps ahead of the world, but something strange has happened; it’s like Vegas has become one of those weird Fun-House mirrors, reflecting all this mediocre crap back on us. It seems that Vegas is saying, “If you really like this crap, we’ll give it to you, and we will charge big money to make you feel it was worth it.”

The House of Blues was full, and many people laughed, not all, but there were a lot of Lisa’s fans that couldn’t get enough. How could we lose our collective intelligence this badly? In the first five minutes Lampanelli used more foul racial slurs than I have ever heard. She used so much foul language, some words I haven’t heard since Junior High School. She hollered, screamed and attacked all the easy targets, Blacks, Mexicans, Gays, Jews, Asians with the most crude, filthy, and vulgar trash talk, BUT Lisa Lampanelli WAS NEVER FUNNY.

Lisa Lampanelli's CD, "Dirty Girl," has been nominated for a Grammy Award as the Best Comedy Album. The Grammy Awards will be held February 10, 2008, in Los Angeles. How can this be? Great comics, the likes of Robin Williams Richard Pryor, Steve Martin and Chris Rock, have won Grammy Awards in the past. But Lisa Lampanelli? Her performance at the House of Blues was disgusting and the biggest piece of trash I’ve seen in years.

I know what you’re saying, “The Kid is now 60, and he’s becoming an old fart.” Wow, I like foul language, I use the “F” word a few times everyday. My mother was Jewish, and father was Italian, they always yelled racial slurs at each other, and they were funny, BUT Lisa Lampanelli WAS NEVER FUNNY.

This may say more about us, than Lisa Lampanelli. Could the world have lost all sense of taste and style? If Lisa Lampanelli is what passes today for a Las Vegas Headliner, Frank, Dean, and Sammy are rolling over in their grave.

One more thing, a night out in Las Vegas should be a class act. Not at the House of Blues, their security guards look and act like prison guards. No suits and ties, just bright yellow plastic jackets with “HOB SECURITY” printed in big letters. They frisked and used metal detectors on all attendees. They found my still camera, and made me check it for an extra $2.00. The guy that took my camera had a Tip Jar. After treating me like dirt and charging me for it, they expected a tip. WOW what Chutzpa. I’m an old guy, no threat to anyone, and they were paranoid of me. I can only imagine how they treat the attendees of a Hip-Hop concert.

Once again, the Boss DIDN’T ask me

Last year I also paid my hard-earned money to see Roseanne Barr at the New York, New York Hotel. I was going to write about the show, but Roseanne was closing the next day. No sense wasting time on a bad review that doesn’t mean anything.

Now after seeing The Lisa Lampanelli show, I feel it’s my civic duty to warn you, just in case Roseanne Barr comes back to Las Vegas.

As with Lisa, most of Roseanne’s comedy came from knocking easy targets, Mexicans, Gays, and Tom Arnold. The first two groups can defend themselves; I’m worried about Tom Arnold. Everybody hates him, so why do we need to hear Roseanne rag on him? Just like any divorcée Roseanne just can’t get over it, Tom doesn’t need her anymore. But who wants to hear trash talk about her ex-husband on stage, unless Roseanne & Lisa are on the next stage out of town.

Everything really turns ugly at the end of the show. Roseanne does a strip tease, all the way down to her black under garments. Protruding through the open areas of her black underwear are gobs of fat and ‘jailhouse’ tattoos. Anyone that knows me can tell you, I have nothing against fat woman, but in the dark. I’m fat myself, but I don’t prance around naked with a key-light following me. The big question: Since when is a fat woman, with ugly tattoos, dancing around naked on stage, considered high-quality Strip entertainment?

If I had to choose between The Lisa Lampanelli Show and The Roseanne Barr Show, Roseanne would win by a mile. Except for the strip tease, Roseanne still has some restraint and her show is acceptable for normal people. Roseanne Barr is funny, BUT Lisa Lampanelli WAS NEVER FUNNY.